Confused Silence

I made a promise to show up for myself and I haven’t. Have you ever experienced silence? Not the ‘left on read’ kind, or getting blocked. Just silence- flat silence.

I think it’s the growth, a friend said I’m growing. I’m redefining what I would love for my life to look like.

You see, for a very long time I didn’t realise I needed to make decisions. I wasn’t a go with the flow person, but rather a ‘what’s normal’ , what’s the next step, what’s the appropriate step. I’m growing and part of being an adult is understanding my choices and making decisions. What a jump, from indecisiveness to make decisions and make them first. A girl is growing and the growth is a silent brutality.

I cannot decide if I should lose weight, if I should move towns, if I should choose yoga or Pilates. I feel confused. A silent confusion. Not the kind that leads to losses, the kind that leads to self discovery, which is brutal. See, the kind of confusion that leads to losses, you get help. Other people have lost millions to confusion, but this kind, is the kind you walk alone. The same friend told me I’m in the desert. And in this desert, I will learn who I am, what I am, what makes me me, what sparks my creativity, what ruins me and what runs me. I laughed, at that moment, this was but a cloud passing. I have discovered, it’s not a cloud, it’s not passing. It’s a desert, with random storms, occasional lighting, cold nights and a blurry view. I’m so confused- silent confusion- I want to cry.

I call this silent confusion because meditation doesn’t seem to help – cures the insomnia, so, yeeeiii me! Lol. My other friend, the love of my life Gitau, called this inactivity. This stagnation, this silence as a result of me not doing enough of the things I love. Which led to the question of why I wasn’t doing these things: poetry nights, book club meetings, book reviews, film reviews, losing weight lol.

Apart from the usual culprits; procrastination, laziness, environment, we now have confused silence.

So yeah, today’s blog is me reminding you that I’m confused. I turn 25 soon and I have no idea what I should be doing with my life. And maybe I’m making peace with the silence in my head. Maybe I shouldn’t try to lose weight, maybe I should stretch more, maybe I should shoot more content, maybe I should read by myself, maybe this confusion, this confused silence, will speak someday. But till then, my mouth will keep humming.

Or maybe I just need to get laid. Lol.